The Fearless Blogger

I’ll admit it – I’m in a crappy mood.

Maybe it’s my meds. Maybe it’s the heat. Maybe I’m just scared of walking out of this room and never feeling the rest of my whole life, the way I feel when I’m with you - ooops! That’s Baby in Dirty Dancing, not me! Got a bit carried away there!

Whatever the reason  (I’m sure if I spent another couple of minutes, I could list at least five more), I’m cranky and I’m irritated and am not about to take it out on my cats – and certainly not on you. (I love you! You know that! Right? OK – we’ll talk more bout that later – remind me!)

I’d say it’s possible I got up on the wrong side of the bed – only I still don’t have a friggin  bed to sleep in, thanks to a combination of careless movers, poor timing, ADHD-procrastinated paperwork, and just overall shoddy customer service from Priority Moving.

So, I’m in the mood to vent. I’m wanting  to share some of the frustration that the random dingbats and doody-heads (you heard me right!) are bringing into my life.

Still, I don’t want to turn my blog into a ranting bitch-fest.

What’s a girl to do? read more

Yay! | photo credit: Lou Adzima

As I’ve mentioned previously, I’m furthering my goal to share as much of my story, with as many people who will listen, by posting excerpts of my writings from my 10-week experience with the Speak For Success’s Women’s Leadership Institute.

The prior posts have focused on where I was and were written prior to my acceptance to the program. Today’s post is the “transcript” of my speech I presented at our graduation. Although it, too, includes information about my past, it’s done so from a different vantage point and also continues to where I am now and what I am moving towards.

(Note: I’ve added section headings to help visually break up the different sections. They were not read as part of the speech.)

My Graduation Day Speech

Looking Back
Viewing life as a journey means living in the moment.

Still, it’s important to pause, to look back at the past. Like looking back down the mountain during a long hike, reflecting on past milestones reframes my perspective of where I am now, enhancing my appreciation of how far I’ve come.

A year ago, ashamed and embarrassed to tell friends what was going on, I’d isolated myself from everyone but my boyfriend.

Getting ready to share

My life was on my couch, blinds shut, blocking out the time of day. My boyfriend hadn’t stepped inside the door in six months, since even basic housekeeping had become too overwhelming for me.

I’d make plans I wouldn’t keep and spend days online trying to find work.

And I cleaned my ears.

Later, I’d learn it was OCD, exacerbated by stress and a change in medication. At the time, I only knew that I’d lose whole days – and sometimes nights – compulsively poking at my ears and it was gross, it was dangerous and it was something I didn’t want anyone to know about.

When I Knew I Needed to Change My Life
Waiting online at a food pantry –my food stamp benefits cancelled because I’d forgotten to file the paperwork in typical ADHD fashion – I knew something had to change.

I emailed my mother. I told her what my life had become. In admitting this to her, I would finally admit to myself what was going on.

I have a disability. My mental illness can be just as debilitating as a physical one. Recovery is not something I can manage on my own.

I shared this with my mother.

I asked for help.

What I Learned
When a cat is sick, its natural instinct is to hide its symptoms as long as possible.  Cats feel vulnerable exposing weakness and will expend a lot of effort to not act sick. A cat’s illness often has reached a crisis stage by the time we notice something’s wrong.

A Life-Changing Experience

What I learned about myself from this experience is that my cats & I share more in common than just our love of days spent napping and eating. Unwilling to make myself vulnerable others, my life reached a crisis stage before I’d let anyone see something was wrong.

When I applied to the Women’s Leadership program, I’d been on my journey for several months. I was able to recognize the distance I’d covered.  The steep path ahead was in my sight, and I was motivated to reach the summit. But, my lack of confidence, damaged self-esteem, and unfamiliarity with the upcoming landscape had stalled me in my path.

The Women’s Leadership Program helped me find my inner compass, and learn to trust it. I’ve learned how to create my own map. I can face the possibility that I may stray from my path, maybe even get lost, with confidence, because I’ve learned the skills to find my way back.

Where I Am
And, ten weeks later, I stand here, looking out at you from that summit.

I didn’t climb that steep path alone. Even as I pushed through the most arduous stretches, with my classmates – my sisters – and teachers by my side, I’ve loved every single moment and appreciate that each step brings its reward.

For a moment I stand still. Not stalled, but paused, to celebrate my accomplishment. Just as I’ve learned the value of looking back at where I’ve been, from this vista I am able to look forward at what lies ahead.

Oh, yeah! | photo credit: Lou Adzima

Where I’m Going
I continue on my journey with two new goals. The first, to seek out opportunities to share my story, so others like me might connect with it.  We can feel stronger when we know we’re not alone.  And I’m off to a running start: A CNN.com feature on overcoming phobias related my experiences as their example. (OK – so, at this point, the audience clapped and cheered!*)

The second goal points me to my next destination. I’ll be getting my coaching certification so I can help others adults with ADHD find the tools they need for journeys of their own.

Mom was there to share the celebration! | photo credit: Lou Adzima

*As a little background: I only mentioned the CNN post because several of my instructors asked me to add it to my speech. It wasn’t until about 10 minutes before I had to be out the door that I finally thought of a way to integrate it into my speech in a way that seemed to somewhat flow. Needless to say, standing on a stage and having over 150 people cheer you on is an incredible feeling (I highly recommend it). To have so many people recognize this particular achievement was probably one of the highest moments of my life.

Image: Wisdom Cards - Affirmations by Louise Hay

As I’ve mentioned previously, I’m furthering my goal to share as much of my story, with as many people who will listen, by posting excerpts of my writings from my 10-week experience with the Speak For Success’s Women’s Leadership Institute. Today’s is another post from my application; my answer to  the question:

What makes you an ideal candidate for this program?

I can’t adequately articulate the surreal sense I feel reading these words today, realizing I wrote my response just over three months ago; realizing that such a short window of time is the only buffer between my life now and my life then:

I’d pulled one of my final(!) all-nighters on that white leather couch that’s become a symbol of a dark, isolated time of my life (and the reason I am currently without a couch :-) ).

As I clicked “send”, I said a little prayer in my head: “I just need one positive thing to grab onto to help pull me out of this hole I’ve been lost in. I finally see which direction is up – please give me this opportunity to get myself back on solid ground and out of the darkness.”

Someone was listening.

It’s amazing what 10 weeks can do.
Ten weeks is enough to give someone back their life.

Why I was the Ideal Candidate:

On the surface, my adversities may appear to be different from those who have overcome domestic violence or substance abuse.  However my past experience of living with a friend who was battling his drug addiction has helped me identify similarities in the challenges and stages of my recovery process.

Additionally, having encountered emotional and verbal abuse towards me in different relationships throughout my life, I recognized the circumstances that might drive a woman to remain in a situation where she is faced with domestic violence.  It was finding myself perched on the top of that slippery slope that scared me into a wake-up call to seek professional help.  As a result, I found myself at the start of the path that led to where I am today.

Because of these experiences, I understand what it’s like to walk around hiding a secret from my colleagues.  I am familiar with the feelings shame and embarrassment and the accompanying sense of living a dual life.  I was shielded from adding the complications of managing my mental health challenges to this, by the leave of absence my employer’s HR policies required me to take.

I’ve experienced life through the eyes of a jet-setting professional with full benefits and a disposable income that far surpassed my needs.  I’ve also experienced life through the eyes of someone who feels powerless, paralyzed with fear, overwhelmed by basic activities that intellectually should not have been a problem to achieve. read more

As I said in yesterday’s post:

I’m ready to share my story, with hope that others like me might connect with it.  We can feel stronger when we know we’re not alone.

I’ve spent the past ten weeks experiencing just how true that is.

This Saturday I will be celebrating my graduation from the Women’s Leadership Institute’s Program for Women Who Have Overcome Adversity.  You’ll be hearing more about it – as I described it to my boyfriend on my drive back from orientation: “This is like Oprah-level stuff!”.  For now, I encourage you to visit the website or Facebook page.

My next few blog posts will be excerpts from my writings during the program.  Today’s post is actually from my application, in response to the question: “How will participating in the Women’s Leadership Institute Program impact your life?”

Just as I shared my story there, I now share it here, with you.

Sharing my stories with others is important to me. I have found the ability to connect with someone that has been where you are – to find a person that you identify with – can afford a more powerful therapeutic value than any medication or support manual could provide. I see a need for more role models for women with ADHD, OCD or other mental illnesses. If others can benefit from the lessons my experiences have taught me, I think it would be selfish not to share to what I’ve learned.

By giving me the opportunity learn about the adversities that others have overcome, I’ll also be able to learn by example that my past need not dictate my future. These accomplishments of the other participants, and the women that completed the program before us, will provide me with the inspiration to set goals that surpass merely surviving and reaffirm my potential to create a life in which I thrive.

Your blog contains a quote by Anna Quinlan that resonates with me:

If your success is not on your own terms, if it looks good to the world but does not feel good in your heart, it is not success at all.

Previously my success was not on my own terms, and although it looked good to the world, it did not feel good in my heart.

I’m optomistic that, with the right structure, framework, tools, and support, I’ll be able to identify what my true success looks like and the momentum to fully achieve it.

Like Leaping Lucy, I too shall soar!

Until recently, my past success may not have been on my terms or felt good in my heart at the time. Still, those accomplishments currently remain in my heart, filling it with evidence that – empowered with the proper guidance – I have the ability to define and achieve the terms of my future success.

When I said I’m ready to start sharing my story, I meant it!

And I don’t mess around – I went straight to CNN!

Something I haven’t really written about is my emetophobia. (Fear of vomit – either being around it and/or vomiting yourself. I “just” had a fear of being around it.)

My fear of being around anyone throwing up was so bad I couldn’t even watch cartoon scenes with it! (And after I heard Avatar 3D made some people sick, I made my boyfriend leave the theater & come back another day so I could sit in the middle of the last row, hopefully a “vomit safe zone”).

It’s one of those things that I knew in my head makes no sense. But, unlike dogs,snakes or even spiders, it’s natural to not want to be around vomit. Only for me, it was well beyond a natural reaction. read more