The Fearless Blogger

I'm with Coco! (image courtesy of sirmikeofmitchell.com)

For months I’ve been perplexed, trying to figure out what is was that made the Leno show suck so very, painfully badly.

Confession: I used to enjoy Leno on the Tonight Show. I’ll even admit to being a bit of a fan.  One that even followed Kevin Eubanks on Twitter. I actually was excited to watch the premiere of his prime time show.

I didn’t make it past the first half hour.  Leno’s performance in his new time slot was so bad that I couldn’t even tolerate it as background noise.  I found it to suck to such a degree that its extreme suckiness was a distraction. It’s douche chill bad.

Did he lose his writers? Is it the lack of a couch?  Did taking so much time off impact Jay’s confidence? How could a show be THAT bad? What happened?! These were the questions that buzzed around my brain each night at 1opm since September 14, 2009.

Mystery Solved
Based on recent events, I finally have a theory. Sucking that badly was no accident: Leno’s been sucking intentionally!

It’s all part of his master plan to get his old spot back hosting the “Tonight Show” and NBC execs were in on it too.

How else do you explain the chain of events that boils down to NBC rewarding Leno’s abysmal ratings by giving him exactly what he wanted all along?

It’s a dickhead move – but so is Leno claiming he wanted Conan to have a smoother transition than his, pulling a Farve, sucking badly enough to make NBC forget about their “let’s give it a year and see/we’re in it for the long haul” position and then watching Conan get the poop end of the stick.

The Scenario
How did NBC even present it to Conan? Picture it:

“Hi, Conan. Have a seat.  We’ll get right to the point: Affiliates are pissed Leno’s new show sucks bad enough that even the ‘Today Show’ is suffering, so we’re going to give him your time slot.

Obviously we value your input. So it’s up to you: Give Leno the first half of your time slot, screwing the existing late night line-up or you can leave and give Leno your entire time slot.”

I imagine the expression on Conan’s face was a slightly more befuddled version of the one that resulted from his on-air concussion.

Cutting the Baby In Half
To use the metaphor of the Judgment of Solomon, Leno killed his baby then tried to switch it for Conan’s living one.

NBC is King Solomon.  NBC’s solution is to cut the living baby in two, giving each host half.  Leno eagerly accepts.  Rather than allow NBC to slaughter his baby, Conan tells them to just give it to Leno.

This is where reality breaks from the biblical allegory.

King Solomon, recognizing that the true mother’s instinct was to protect her baby’s life, even if it meant giving it up, gave the baby to the rightful mother.  When Conan stated he would rather walk away rather than participate in the “Tonight Show” legacy’s destruction, NBC gave his baby to Leno.

Yeah, that makes sense.

If You Love Someone, Set Them Free
I am sad to see Conan go.  I’ve been a Conan fan since he took over for Letterman.

A shared love of Conan was one of the ways my sweetie and I first bonded in those early, “getting-to-know you” stages of our our relationship.  Not only were we in the studio audience to celebrate Conan’s first night as host of the “Tonight Show”, we were there for Conan’s first “practice” show the week prior.

I’ve been coveting Andy Richter’s job ever since.

All the same, I’m glad Conan’s walking away.

Conan deserves better.

Didn’t you kind of get your turn? Sorry you screwed up and agreed to leave before you were ready – maybe I can suggest a good therapist to help you work through your regrets.

Surely you don’t need the money?

Oh, it’s for your ego? Well that’s okay then. I mean, it’s not like Conan had other opportunities to turn down, or that he moved himself, his family and his entire staff across the country or anything, right?

And of course it’s all NBC’s fault, I imagine. Well, at least it gives you some current material for your monologue. Glad you find it funny – personally, I’d feel humiliated.

But then again, I’m not you.

See, if I’d created the situation that you have, Conan wouldn’t have to be making any decision – I would have had the humility and grace to walk away before that option was even on the table. Given the hoops NBC’s been jumping through, I gather your hands were not exactly tied.

A few expressions come to mind:

• Karma’s a bitch.
• What goes around, comes around.
• We reap what we sow.
• You get what you deserve.
• Jumping the shark.
  

You could figure out how to resurrect the dead and arrange a Beatles’ reunion and I still wouldn’t tune into the “Tonight Show”.

You effed with Cone-sy.

Personally, I’d rather watch Glenn Beck spoon feed mayonnaise to Sarah Palin than watch anything with you in it again.

Conan's first night hosting the Tonight Show. (If you look closely, you can see me & my fella in the audience!)

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