The Fearless Blogger

faryl note: I wrote this on Tuesday with the intention of posting it in the “sidenotes” section, as I wasn’t sure it belongs in the blog.

I changed my mind for two reasons – First, the Fearless Blogger posts what she wants where she wants.  More importantly, Thanksgiving was my dad’s favorite holiday.  Without Mike, it’s different.  I realized without Mike, Thanksgiving is like the “new Becky”.

I have so very many things to be thankful for and blessings to count, my memories of my father are among those.  I’m sharing this today because Thanksgiving belongs to Dad:

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Ever have one of those dreams that just feel real?

I had one last night.

It was a potpourri of random people and places that blended well because it was a dream, but would not quite make sense in real life.  Something about a cabaret show at a nail salon before going to the pool party we were throwing for my mom’s 65th birthday (she’s just 60, so I guess this was the future).

I’m pretty sure Lance Bass was there.  And, so was Dad. Yay!

You see, my father passed away a few years ago.  When he died, the last few months of lung cancer had wiped away any real resemblence to the father I’d known my entire life.  Even his eyelashes changed.  His eyelashes. That still sticks with me.

If you haven’t experienced having someone you care about die from a terminal illness (and I hope you never do), it’s like a FAR worse version of when they replaced Becky on Roseanne, Darren on Bewitched, or Vivian Banks on Fresh Prince.  You know it’s not the same person it always was, but no matter which episode you think of, suddenly the “new Becky” is persistently in your mind’s eye.

So I was thrilled when “old Dad” was the one who made a guest appearance in last night’s dream. At least I was when I woke up; in my dream, I just accepted it as an every day occurance.  Of course I did, it’s a dream!

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There were two things from the dream I grabbed onto when I woke up.

The first was related to something my dad did in the dream.  He’d decided to surprise my mother and me by arranging for manicures and pedicures at a nearby salon.  The fact that these mani-pedis were a surprise and not planned for, tied into the aforementioned cabaret show that occurred there and was the catalyst to many of the dream’s plot points.

Making sure “his ladies” got to pamper themselves was typical of my father. If either my mom or I would teeter on a decision whether or not to splurge on treating ourselves, asking Mike to weigh in was a sure way to tip that decision to “yes”.  I love that he’s still doing that in my dreams as well!

I made a point to call my mom to tell her about the dream, planning to encourage her to go to the nail salon.  As soon as I mentioned that part of the dream, my mom interjected to tell me she’d just called to schedule an appointment to get her nails done.

No doubt a coincidence.  But one of those coincidences that makes my heart smile nonetheless.

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The second thing I grabbed onto?

An exchange between me and my father:

me: I miss you!

dad: I miss you too!  Give your ole dad a hug!

Mind you this exchange, while poignant, was not sad or remorseful.  This is a dream, after all.

In my dream, “old Dad” could come by whenever he wants, it’s more a matter of making it happen.  The moment was more like when you’re out with an old high school friend you never get to hang out with anymore, and you realize how good it feels to be in the same place at the same time. Their presence contrasts their just-prior absence, necessitating the need to recognize such.

This exchange was followed by a big, tight, bear hug of a squeeze from my dad that just felt so – solid.  No worries about dad being fragile or hurting him.  Just solid Daddy Strength and love.

I can still remember it and feel it.  SUCH a nice feeling to have!

I woke up and felt, well, thankful.

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I’m thankful for all the Thanksgiving memories I have.

I’m ever-so thankful for my friendship (and “daughtership”!) with my mother.  I’m beyond thankful for my brother Ryan for being a best friend and touchstone, my sister-in-soul Maria, and the shining light that is my godson Eli.   I’m thankful for Richard coming into my mother’s life so she doesn’t travel through it alone. I’m thankful for the love and warmth of Clarence, Kaya Cher, and Marley.

My heart sings (often literally) with gratitude for my magic man Joe (ILYJ!).

And I am thankful for having the internet and this blog to connect with you all.

And very very thankful for you, for reading this.

Happy Thanksgiving to all my friends, online and off.

Each and every one of you are a blessing and appreciated by me.

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